What a striking situation!
There’s no man, as I can see,
In the Russian Federation
Who would like to lie with me.
I’m beautiful and canny
But all suitors just withdrew.
It’s a hard time for my fanny.
Any imbecile would do.
Nothing special is requested.
It is needless to be tested.
I’m ready right away.
I can do it very quickly.
I can do it all night long,
I can do it daily, weekly...
But for all that I’m alone!
It has gone beyond the limit.
Looks like someone’s cast a spell.
When men see me, they get timid.
Even vodka doesn’t help!
They all whisper: 'She’s a hottie.
I’m too poor for such a vamp...'
Boring sissy spineless numpties.
I would do it with a tramp!
Dear citizens of Britain.
After all that I’ve confessed,
If I'm back, I might be beaten.
Let me be your grateful guest.
I enjoy your thrilling weather.
I adore your fancy taps.
I love Marmite altogether.
I’m fond of minding gaps!
And I’ve been making a great effort,
But the prospects seem quiet bleak.
Well, a hairy Scottish shepherd
Wouldn’t really look so dreek.
I’m distressed. I’ve got the blues.
The world is frightening and wrong.
I’ve just heard the appalling news.
A nose grows all life long.
It’s mother nature master plan
To make it grow in length like sin.
It's said there is an Indian man
Whose nose grows longer than his chin!
I have a question for you guys.
It drives me out of my wits.
If something always grows in size,
Then why a nose? It should be tits!
It’s so unjust! It’s so unwise!
All scientists should die from shame!
If growth is caused by telling lies,
Then why do dicks remain the same?
The world is going mad. Good grief!
It is the liars’ bitter foe.
At least it's an immense relief that
Lies don’t make my butt cheeks grow.
My poor neighbor. He was smart,
But never was a man of wealth.
One day he longed to buy a tart.
The bank said no. He shot himself.
I contemplated days and nights
How I could save the men I knew.
When suddenly I realized
How crucial it is to screw.
I’ve thought of poor poor lawyers
Worn out with helping us divorce.
It would be fair if their employers
Could pay them all with intercourse.
I’ve thought of second-hand car sellers.
If one could give them sex indeed,
Then they’ll discount their bestsellers
And no doubt never cheat.
I've thought of hapless politicians
So anxious rescuing mankind.
Let’s speed them up in their mission
With fast approaching from behind.
I've thought of Russian football players.
Instead of sharply pointing blame
We need to hear their prayers
And rodger them before the game.
No use in standing here and preaching.
It’s time to get into my stride.
I’ll start with my male English teachers.
So few of them. Fifteen per night.
I must address myself to ladies.
Let’s save the men like I propose.
Our encouragement is steady.
It's time for slappers, slags and hoes!
We'll register a brand new party,
Receive support from every class.
Our appeal, sincere and hearty,
Will promise lots of greener grass.
We’ll serve policemen, teachers, doctors,
All sales assistants in the store,
All office workers, all blue collars,
The young, the old, the rich, the poor…
We’ll visit guys who are bed-ridden.
There’ll be a lot of tears we drop.
We know coitus is forbidden.
We’ll give a jolly good blow job.
We’ll be enduring, brave and speedy.
We’ll go throughout the Commonwealth.
We’ll give sex to all men who need it
So that they never shoot themselves.
PROSTITUTES ARE YOUR BEST WIVES
Men want to marry virtuous, modest,
Innocent virgins who lead a quiet life.
Excuse me for being candid and honest.
A prostitute will be the best ever wife.
When you come home from work, angry and tired,
She’ll never pester or shout at you.
No caresses and talks are required.
She needs to recover from her night shift too.
You don’t have to be an affectionate fella.
To make her reach orgasm is easy as pie.
Her conditioned reflexes are highly developed
Just several seconds will prompt her to cry.
She thinks your impotence is truly awesome.
Sex is an obligation she is eager to shirk.
So if you suddenly catch her involved in a threesome,
You may be sure – she’s just hard at work.
She's able to save you in dangerous cases.
She won’t let you down or burst into tears.
She's thrown out of vans on a regular basis
And correspondingly has no fears.
A prostitute-wife suits playing around.
She’ll never ask questions, fall out or maim.
Even if some STD is discovered,
Whatever the case, she is always to blame.
A prostitute-wife is a social bunny.
She’s giving you head and discussing gas bills.
She’s married for love, not because of your money.
She's already managed to market her skills.
A prostitute-wife is high-class and accomplished!
A prostitute-wife is the best of the wives!
A prostitute-wife is secure and polished!
For those who think everything has its price.
ODE TO A SMALL GUY
There’s a long-standing misapprehension.
There’s a flagrant injustice committed.
Due to groundless women’s convention
Only guys who are big are admitted.
That’s a false apprehension of men’s size.
I’ll correct this gargantuan error.
Kindly let me convince you that small guys
Are your best choice forever and ever.
A small guy is most sympathetic.
When you’re sad, he’s always about.
He’s the one who is not apathetic.
He especially likes eating out.
You can give him instructions and orders,
He will meet them with no refusal.
He will wash, iron and clean your quarters...
He’s so desperate to prove himself useful.
A small guy is rich for surprises.
He’s more than just watching shop-windows.
He’s not frightened at all of big prices.
He will buy you a pile of big dildos.
He will calm you down when you’re weeping.
He will make you feel safe and protect you.
He won’t bother you while you’re sleeping.
His protuberance’s quite undetected.
A small guy has drive to develop.
He has burning ambition to grow.
He’s not like those stupid big fellows.
He’s got something more vital to show.
His big car drives him to his big palace.
His big salary constantly goes up.
Well, he doesn’t possess a big phallus,
But his girlfriend is always a D cup.
A small guy will launch a career
And undoubtedly go the whole hog.
He’ll become a well-known pioneer.
He’ll become a political top dog.
A small guy will never be forgotten.
He’ll become the most vigorous person.
With his finger on this big red button
He’ll make all of us beg him for mercy.
I think that now you are ready
For a horror tale that can’t be finer.
There was once a pretty lady
Who had sharp teeth in her vagina.
She was an open tender creature
With simple-hearted sky-blue eyes.
A lovely girl who had a feature –
A secret held between her thighs.
She's never had a love affair,
Although she promised men delight
And cried in tears out of despair:
‘My pussy’s calm! It does not bite!’
Of course, she held negotiations
And said: ‘It’s under control!’,
But men withdrew in consternation
As men are timid – after all.
One day walking through a forest
She lost her way and then by chance
A rapist-killer came across her.
He was insane and full of lust.
This terrible and foul villain
Was being searched out by police,
But managed to stay out of prison
For almost twenty seven years.
She knew him at that very moment.
She knew there’s no turning back.
She estimated her opponent,
Then screwed up courage and attacked.
She got revenge upon his evil.
She paid him back in his own coin.
She neutralized the rapist-killer
By iron jaws of her brave groin.
This feat of arms made her a legend.
A girl as risky as a piranha.
A superwoman wreaking vengeance
With her rebellious vagina.
She was respected, lived in plenty,
Became well-known and no doubt
Lost her virginity at eighty.
After her teeth had fallen out.
As we can learn from this experience,
Guys, if you want to be all right,
When judging ladies by appearance,
Remember – beauties like to bite.
I’ve bought a Ferrari at a discount.
I’m so happy, rapturous and proud.
Now I know what speed is about.
I drive faster than all men around!
Once when I was driving to the fruit shop,
An old woman, clumsy and unpleasant,
Shouted in anger from a bus stop:
Sucked it off for such a costly present?
For your information, you, fat asshole,
I drudge like a dray-horse in the city.
And indeed don’t play with every man’s balls.
I may just prefer to play with titties!
If a fancy car is gained by sucking,
Why are you standing at a bus stop then?
Bend your knees for once and you'll get lucky.
Do the hard yards with your mouth open.
n your forties, sure, you can manage.
Give your head and strike a fair deal.
A Ferrari seems to be a challenge.
But a Russian Lada is quite real.
Oh, world! Sorrow and pain you induce!
A crab louse suffers from human abuse.
It was like a flagship of all populations,
But fell as a victim of our epilation.
I am purple with rage. I am ready for fights.
How dare you people break crab lice’s rights?
You wouldn’t eat out overgrown and sweaty
And think it’s worth threatening crab lice's safety?
Get used to neglecting and hurting small pets?
It’s high time you mind whom you’ve got in your pants!
I’d like to inform the RSPCA.
Self-interested Brazilians must bear the blame.
By waxing and sugaring glamorous bitches
They’re mistreating the innocent creatures.
Striving to boost their growing economy,
They’ve violated crab lice's autonomy.
Bloody offenders as guilty as sin,
They ought to be punished for not being green.
I’d like to appeal to all European nations.
Let’s show Brazilians our strong condemnation.
Evil oppressors, unjust and unfair,
They try to dictate that we must go bare.
By resolute letting the bush go long
We’ll show Brazilians where they’re wrong.
All European people must rise side by side.
Our long curly pubes will hang out with pride!
We’ll strive for democracy, justice and peace.
We’ll hope for the crab’s population increase.
We’ll take poor beings from grief to new heights.
Long live a crab louse and its legal rights!
I don't dream of impassioned suitors.
Don’t dream of mountains of gold.
Don’t dream of diamonds or big hooters.
I simply dream of growing old.
First, I’ll dismiss all dietitians,
Sack fitness trainers like a shot,
Then say goodbye to my beauticians
And welcome wrinkles, folds and spots.
Right after that I’ll go further.
I'll throw away my looking glass,
Inaugurate a month of burgers
And grow in size my scraggy arse.
I’ll eat up daily, eat up nightly.
I’ll gobble up big macs and steaks.
I'll start to booze and not just slightly,
But till my hands begin to shake.
I’ll smoke ten cigarettes per hour
In local pubs despite all bans.
To those who’ll look aloof or sour,
I will expose my quaggy cans.
I’ll waive my innate special privilege.
I’ll find nirvana, joy and zen.
I'll buy a cottage in a village
And open there a gambling den.
I’ll sit down near the village steeple
And masturbate under the sun,
Giving advice to poor young people
About the things I’ve never done.
I’ll dye my hair sunset orange.
I’ll crack indecent jokes outright.
I’ll enter a prestigious college
And get excluded for a fight.
I’ll visit night clubs dressed in scarlet.
In artificial scarlet fur.
I’ll ride a costly custom Harley.
My chic approach will make a stir.
All guys’ll be smitten with desire.
All girls'll get envious a bit,
When I remove my fur attire.
There will be nothing under it.
I’ll call it quits with my fond lover
Proposing marriage on his knees.
Then I’ll invite a team of plumbers
And order them to rodger me.
I’ll give the crown prince the cold shoulder.
I’ll entertain a common man...
I’m not afraid of getting older
With such a well thought-out plan!